Upward Spiral

In the past I’ve been all to familiar with the Downward Spiral. You know it as well I'm sure, one thing after another drags you down into a deep dark pit. No good. Let’s be honest, she’s a dirty little bitch.

Recently discovered it’s counterpart, I’ll call it the Upward Spiral. Had theorized in the past of it’s existence, but always thought it was a mirage or fairy tale. Turns out to be real. It seems that success builds on success just as failure builds on failure. Pretty amazing actually. So, if and when I fell caught in the Downward Spiral again, will have to remember that it is in fact possible to turn around and start climbing back out. Hope you can know this to be true in your life as well.

Europe

“Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

When I left for Europe I was most looking forward to the sights and sounds and foods of a foreign land. While these were all really great, my favorite memories are the people I met along the way. It was so fun to get to know new people and hear their stories (and get to see my old friend Rachel). The girls I traveled with were so nice to welcome me into their group. I was also so blessed by the hospitality and welcome from the families we stayed with. Opening their homes, preparing meals, washing our clothes, providing taxi services. All for a stranger who couldn’t even speak their language. And all with a genuine smile.

Right now it’s nice to sit back and ruminate on all the good memories of new places and belly-aching laughter with new friends.

Twirling in Austria.

You may recognize this pathway from The Sound of Music

where the kids and Maria ran through too. I'm so glad I was

with people who like to twirl.

Great Outdoors

The past two weekends I’ve been lucky enough to hit the trails around here, and I’m so grateful. Don’t know why I haven’t made the time to do so more often. Nothing better than getting outside to clear the mind and strengthen the soul. What an amazing world we live in. Photographs can’t ever really capture the beauty fully, but here are some attempts.

Nesmith Point trail looking down at the Columbia River

Morning at Bench Lake near Mt. Adams

More Bench Lake (This view was just a few yards from our campsite, beautiful)

Anyone know what kind of flower this is?

Little Mt Adams

Hope you've enjoyed these, and that you are able to have your own outdoor adventures this summer.

The Friend that Built Me

Today marks 12 years since my friend Andrea died. How can I begin to describe her and what she means to me? I can’t. So here are some snapshots of my favorite memories of our time together.

Practicing gymnastics on the front lawn. Or using the back of her Grandma's couch as a balance beam, her Grandma would get so scared when we were doing flips up there!

Andrea had such a great memory. In high-school she could still remember the name of everyone in our kindergarten class and what they were wearing in our class photo. I have a terrible memory, and she really was my memory holder for much of childhood. If only we could chat again and remember together.

Andrea would sit in Geometry class with her leg behind her neck. Crazy girl.

Meeting my friend on the first day of Kindergarten. It's so fun how just sharing a toy can turn into a long friendship at that age.

Making up songs and dances to showcase for our parents. I still remember some of them and want to start singing or dancing them. But it wouldn't make much sense to anyone but Andrea.

Watching movies over and over again, reciting the lines along with the actors. (I plan to do this in the AM with a couple of our favorites, good times).

Fighting over a plastic bag. Yep, that’s right, a plastic bag. We laughed about this one for years. As far as I remember this was one of only two fights we ever had.

Playing with our dolls. When we were in high-school. It was so great to have a friend who wasn't too cool to still do fun things.

I could go on, but better stop here. Thanks for reading. Somehow telling other people about Andrea helps. Keeping her memory alive and all that (cheesy, but true).

Miss you my friend.

(Miranda Lambert "The House that Built Me")

Finish with a smile

Ok, so I’m still coming down from my post-triathlon high and am all emotional and introspective. My apologies in advance for what follows.

I was just thinking about what a difference expectations make. Somewhere early in my triathlon training I came across a book (“Triathlon 101” by John Mora) that had some great tips for your first race. While I found much of the information helpful, the best advice was as follows: “A great goal for your first triathlon is to finish with a smile.”

I instantly liked that advice. Sounds like a much more achievable goal than “I want to finish in ______ minues,” or “in _____ place in my division.” Much less pressure. Also sounds more fun than striving to just Finish (it would be pretty easy to finish and be frustrated and angry and still have a terrible experience).

I set forth in training with this goal foremost in my mind. Finish with a smile. Finish. With a smile.

Somewhere along the line I started to think that this is a good goal for many things in life. I began to realize that often the reason I’m disappointed or angry is because my expectations haven’t been met. Where did those expectations come from though? What if I changed my expectations and goals? Could that change my reaction even if the results were the same? I found out the answer is yes. On occasion I was able to start work with the goal of going through the day with a smile. It’s actually pretty amazing how reminding myself of that goal throughout the day can make a difference. It helped me let-go of unnecessary and unrealistic expectations. Helped me slow down and enjoy the humor of the day instead of getting caught up in frustrations.

I found out that usually I have the daily goal that everything go smoothly and perfectly. Didn’t realize that was my goal, but it was. No wonder I’m so grumpy and pessimistic all the time! Stopping, and breathing, and remembering that the little hic-ups throughout the day don’t really matter is really freeing. So far success is sporatic, but maybe someday I will build the habit of creating more realistic goals each day.

The advice helped me out on race day too. I was able to stop and breathe and remember that it was ok when I didn’t have time to warm-up. To laugh when I fell down. To smile and thank many of the volunteers along the course. To enjoy the whole process. And guess what?! My time was actually better than I was hoping! I probably did better because of my main goal. Finish with a smile.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I did it! The goal was to finish with a smile, and I did. And it was so fun!

For those of you who don’t know, I competed in a sprint triathlon today (my first). It starts with a half-mile swim, continues with a 12 mile bike ride, and finishes off with a 3.1mile run.

It’s so satisfying to complete a goal. I’ve been training for about a year-and-a-half for this, and it’s such a rush to finally be done. The actual event only took less than 100 minutes (not a very significant amount of time), but I spent almost 10,000 minutes in training over the past year.

In a lot of ways today wasn’t even about the race. It was more about celebrating the training and everything I learned through it. Perseverance, consistency, balance (both physical and mental), and gradual progress (just to name a few). Training introduced me to new people, places, and activities. I’ve conquered a few fears, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and have achieved goals I didn’t really think were possible to achieve. I’ve also found out how many cheerleaders I have in my life! So many people have encouraged me along the way. What a blessing!

I can’t tell today’s story without mentioning my fall. Running to the transition area after the swim I slipped and totally bit it in front of many people. Not my proudest moment. But . . . I got back up and kept going with the race. Didn’t even cry or anything :-) Don’t know if I could have done that a year ago. Fortunately I wasn’t injured, just a minor skinned knee. Funny thing is I think it helped me relax for the rest of the race. I thought; “well, if I can keep going after making a fool out of myself, maybe I can really finish this thing.” I actually was kind of laughing about it through most of the bike portion. I went for it, fell down, got back up, and made it through. It made my story richer. Another lesson learned--I can fall and still not be a failure.

Hopefully some of these lessons will stick around and I can apply them to other areas of life. In any case, this was a great experience.

Now to ice my poor skinned knees. Who’s up for joining me next year?

PS: to clarify the title of this post, my fall was completely my own doing. Nobody knocked me down. The song it goes to seemed fitting though.

Wisdom

Last week I met a family that had a great idea for a New Year's resolution. They resolved to meet one new person a day in 2010, and ask them for their words of wisdom. Then they put those words of wisdom on their twitter page (lmnoPDX). Check out their page, it's like a modern-day Proverbs.

I think it's such a great idea for their family. They get to meet new people, and they have a meaningful conversation with each one.

Now it's your turn. Any words of wisdom for the world?

Missing the trip for the luggage (or: Why yes, I am obsessive compulsive. Why do you ask?)

For some reason this morning I decided to get out my old luggage and make sure it would work for my trip to Europe three months from now. It became obvious immediately that my current suitcase wasn’t going to do the job. Not due to size, weight, or style problems though. Unfortunately it seems that my darling cat mistook it for a urinal at some point. Great. (On a totally unrelated note, does anyone want a cat?)

So now I am faced with the challenge of finding a new piece of luggage. “Not a big deal,” I thought. “I’ll just check online to see what is available.”

Four hours later I awoke from my google stupor only to find out I was no closer to a decision than I had been when I started. Apparently my previous knowledge of luggage was woefully lacking. So many decisions! I tried to clear my head of the numbers swirling around. Liters of capacity, linear inches, carrying load.

All of a sudden I realized how ridiculous it all was. Sitting in a pile of Pro and Con lists, still in my pajamas, in the middle of the afternoon. Another list (the one of stuff I wanted to get done today) sadly neglected.

Why do I become so obsessed with these little details? I’m sure any number of the bags would be suitable. Somehow I always seem to keep searching beyond what is reasonable. It’s as if I think there is a perfect answer waiting out there. If I just. Keep. Searching. The perfect suitcase, the perfect camera, the perfect trip, the perfect _____ (you fill in the blank).

The perfect life. Is that what I’m really looking for? Reality is that every choice (suitcase related or not) has pros and cons. I will never find a suitcase that will fit a million things and still not break my back to carry. It seems that I was looking for a magic bag, a Mary Poppins-like bag. (Which would be so awesome by the way, wouldn’t it!)

Hmm. Guess the next step is to stop looking for the magical (and un-attainable) perfect life and just make a decision. I miss a lot of good things in life when I'm searching for the perfect life.

Comfort

I have a confession to make, I never grew up. It’s true. Today I was thinking about all the things that make me feel better when I’m tired or stressed, and they’re the same things kids do. For example my favorite blanket that I snuggle with each night. I feel safe when it’s wrapped around me, like a shield. I watch the same movie over and over and repeat the lines in everyday life. (My film of choice: Pride and Prejudice, the BBC version. I watch it at least once a month). I love my Eeyore flannel PJ’s, so comfy. And don’t get me started on comfort food.

Why do these familiar things make me feel so much better? What is it about routines that is so comforting? Whatever it is, I like it. So, tonight will find me wearing Eeyore PJ’s, snuggled under my blanket, watching movies, and eating nachos. Life is good.

Return to the Noise

Update: The media-free week went well, it was actually nice to have a bit of silence. The biggest thing I noticed was how automatic it is to turn on the radio or TV. I found myself reaching for the remote many times. When I stopped to think about it though, most of the time I wasn't even that excited about the extra noise. It's just such a habit that I don't even think about it.

It's interesting how ingrained the TV schedule is in my brain too. I found myself thinking things like; "It's Tuesday night, so I have to be home by 8 pm for NCIS." Since when do I have to change my schedule to match the TV Guide? It was actually a little freeing to not think about what show was on each evening.

I confess that I may have cheated a little this week though. I bought a new camera, and played with it a little each day. Usually I would have had the TV on and chatting on Facebook at the same time though, so it could have been worse.

Conclusion: It was nice to have a little break this week. Hopefully going forth I can be more intentional with turning on the media.

Silence Part 2: Media Junkie takes a break

Ever since I wrote silence I have thought more and more about the subject. It came to mind to try an experiment, to go a week without media. “Great Idea” I thought, “it wouldn’t be that tough, might be kind of nice. I might actually get something done instead of sitting and watching TV all evening.” The more I thought about it though the more I resisted the idea. Why? Well, it seems that I’m even more afraid of silence than I originally thought. Somehow a whole week without media is daunting (strange since the first 18 years of my life were not very media filled. Guess I’ve made up for lost time). My day is so media filled that I’m not sure what I’ll do with my time (not that I don’t have a long To Do list, I just usually have noise while I work). Mostly I think I’m afraid of what God might say to me. It’s easy to tune Him out when there is lots of noise, less so in silence.

So here’s my resolution. To go a week without media. No TV, no radio or iPod, no computer (except at work for work purposes, don’t think I could get away with saying I couldn’t use the computer there). Then next Monday (Memorial Day) I’ll head to the beach for the day and reflect on how it all went.

See y’all on the flip side.

Adventure

I love stormy weather. Usually I enjoy it from my living room with a fire in the fireplace and some hot tea where it feels so cozy and safe. Today, however, I enjoyed the weather while on a bike ride. Not that I planned to ride while being pelted by razor-sharp raindrops, the rain started halfway through my ride. At first I was irritated by the inconvenience. Still ten miles from home and already soaked, the feeling of cold starting in my toes and advancing up to my brain. After a while though I started to look around and enjoy it. I felt like an intrepid adventurer, braving the elements.

Not too many other people were out there (except for the drivers of cars which sprayed me with water every few seconds). It was fun to smile and nod to the few other brave souls walking or biking (or stupid souls, your choice). There’s something about “bad” weather that brings people together (think of the last snow storm you might have been in). We were experiencing the rain fully in a way you couldn’t if you were in a car. So even though I was soaked, freezing, muscles burning (I may have ridden farther than originally intended), I was also laughing. I felt like a kid jumping in the puddles and getting all wet just for the fun of it.

Now I’m glad to be back in my warm home with a snuggly cat in my lap, but I’m also glad I got to have a little adventure today.

What kinds of adventures have you had lately?

Kooza

Kooza

In a word: WOW.

I have never been to a Cirque du Soleil performance before, and it was pretty amazing. I laughed, almost cried several times, gasped almost constantly, and marveled at the ability of fellow human beings.

It’s amazing how much hard work, dedication, and teamwork would have to go into something like that. Setting up the tent and stage is a feat in itself. Then once the show starts every second is choreographed. Every performer and stage hand must work in sync so nobody gets hurt and the audience enjoys the show. During intermission I started to think about the hundreds and hundreds of hours each performer must have put in to prepare for the tour. Let alone the years of training to learn their craft before that. It’s pretty mind boggling.

So, I would definitely recommend seeing a Cirque du Soleil performance if you get a chance. But only if you have a strong heart, they're daring. They even plan times where they pretend to mess up just to make you fear for their lives (I only know this because a friend went on a different day and we compared notes. They did the same exact mess ups in both shows.) When you can perform death-defying stunts (with pizzazz) and also throw in pretend mess-ups . . . well, that’s just showing off. But it’s a lot of fun to watch!

Lost my Muchness, Have I?!!!!

I really enjoyed the new Alice in Wonderland (and not just because Johnny Depp is in it, although that was nice too). The deeper meaning in the story of a girl growing up and being brave, and finding herself was timeless.

One of my favorite lines was when the Mad Hatter told Alice; “You used to be much more...’muchier.’ You've lost your muchness.” That was early in the movie when Alice was still trying to figure out what her place was in Underworld. Later in the movie, after Alice had gone through many trials successfully, she says under her breath (in a rather defiant tone); “Lost my muchness, have I?”

Often I feel that I’ve lost my “muchness.” That I don’t really know who I am or why I’m here. Maybe that’s why I loved this story. It was fun to watch the character figure out her place in the world, and to find her voice. In a strange way it gives me hope that someday I will also find my voice and be able to say to the world; “Lost my muchness, have I?!!!”

SONG: Who I Am (Rosemary’s Granddaughter) by Jessica Andrews

Chance of a Lifetime

Fortune cookies are great. I’ve kept a few of the best ones over the years. My favorite is; “You’ve been given the chance of a lifetime. Say yes!”

What a great reminder. Often I say no. Usually with what seems like a good reason. Fear of failure, lack of finances, thinking that I should do something else instead (something more responsible).

I kept this fortune to remind me to say “yes” to life. To take a gamble, to risk.

Some days the chance of a lifetime is a sunny day. I “should” stay inside and cook, or clean, or research something for work, or . . . . But this beautiful day is offering me a chance to explore outside. I often see life as a series of tasks to complete. What if some days I threw away the TO DO list and just said yes to life? What if I let go of the need to have everything clean and perfect? Oh, that’s a scary thought for this Type A, anal retentive person. I want to practice saying yes to the opportunities that come my way.

Silence

Sitting at home today I realized it has been too long since I have been surrounded by silence. There’s always outside noise around me; TV, radio, kids at work. Most of the time I’m the one turning on the intruding sounds. It’s easier to leave the TV on in the background than to listen to my own thoughts swirl around. Safer to turn up the radio and keep difficult memories at bay. Memories of friends now gone, or friendships dissolved. Flashbacks of mistakes made throughout the day. Visions and dreams of what life could be (but isn’t).

Why is it so scary to just sit in silence?

Infomercial-ism

Lately I've been intrigued by infomercials. Currently I'm watching one on a device that cracks eggs for you. Wow. Before watching this I wasn't aware that cracking eggs with my own hands was such a chore!

My favorite part of infomercials is where they describe the problem. (Or try to convince us that we have a problem.) Usually this part is in black-and-white, and the camera angle is all crazy.

Then comes the solution. It's amazing how these commercials promise to make all your problems disappear immediately. If you purchase this product you will be happy and successful. And of course there's the message that we all deserve to have perfect and trouble free lives.

Such a commentary on our society. We (and I include myself here) often think we deserve life to be perfect, and look for things that will solve our problems immediately with little or no effort on our part. This is seen most easily with the weight-loss and exercise equipment adds. "In only 10 minutes a day," "See results right away." Seems silly when (in my experience) most meaningful change happens through gradual progress and hard work.

I often feel "infomercial-ism" creep in where I start to think that I deserve life to be perfect, and that results should be immediate. (Don't get me wrong here, I don't think infomercials are the problem, just a symbol of how we think).

That's all I have to say. Any thoughts?

Alone.

Have you ever been so lonely it ached? Have you ever wanted to feel loved and to belong so much that you thought you might die if you weren't? I often feel that way, today is one of those days. I hesitate to even write this because it is such a strong feeling. The loneliness doesn't come from lack of loving people around me. I have been blessed with amazing family and friends who accept and welcome me with open arms. Somehow I still rarely feel that I belong in that community, that I even deserve to be in their presence.

Today some dear friends invited me into their home for their family Easter celebration. They invited me whole-heartedly and welcomed me as if I was family (big bear hugs and all). Their extended family welcomed me as well. Still a voice whispered to me that I didn't belong. That I could never fit in. That I am only a burden. That my only fate is to be alone. Sometimes the loneliest times are when other people are around and that voice whispers.

Ironic that this feeling is so strong today, as it is also the day we celebrate Easter. "Because Christ died, God has brought you back to himself." (Colossians 1:22, NIRV).

"You are the body of Christ. Each one of you is a part of it." (I Corinthians 12:27).

"Brothers and sisters, you are loved by God. We know that he has chosen you." (I Thessalonians 1: 4).

I have heard these things my whole life, and believe them in my head. I believe them for other people too, but my heart can't accept that I am included in the promises. Dare I hope for anything different?

(Apologies if this is too much, but I promised to be honest here. Today, posting this, I am being brave in my own little way.)

Happy Spring Cleaning!

It might be nerdy, but I love spring cleaning. It's so fun to get all the dirty windows to sparkle, and to have a squeaky clean fridge. Incredibly satisfying to clear out the dust and cobwebs from closet shelves.

There's something about the spring that is so exciting and hopeful. Watching the flowers bloom and birds build nests. It's almost like the world is starting over every year, forgetting about the dark cold winter that just passed. It just seems right to start the season with a clean house too. Then I can be ready to open the windows and let the fresh spring air in. Ahhh, beautiful.

Listening to: Shaun Groves, "Welcome Home" from the album Invitation to Eavesdrop,

Lyrics and Audio HERE

Brave Like A Duck

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be brave. I love watching movies and reading books about brave people who set out on epic quests (think "Lord of the Rings" or "The Tale of Despereaux"). In the beginning they’re scared and unsure of what might happen, but they take courage and do what they have to anyway. At the end of the story I find myself wondering if I could ever be as brave as they were. (I also love stories of people being brave in everyday ways, but that’s a topic for another time).

One great story of bravery is of baby wood ducks. The day after they hatch they follow their mother and jump out of their nest onto the ground or into the water. Doesn’t sound too bad until you realize that these nests are 15 to 40 feet from the ground! That’s a long way for a tiny chick. If you have never seen video of one day old baby ducks jumping from the nest, check it out. (OK, this is one of the cheesiest videos ever, but I love it. My favorite line is "Why would these hatchlings take such a leap? Well, if they stay in the tree they starve to death." Way to say it like it is.)

I’ve decided i want to be brave like a duck. To jump out of my safe little nest and follow the call of the One I trust. I have no idea where it might lead; or if I will break an arm (or my head) in the process; but if I stay where I am I will surely starve to death. So, here it goes. Jump on three. One . . . two . . . two-and-a-half . . .

The Butterfly Circus

"The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!"

If you haven't yet seen the short film The Butterfly Circus, I'd recommend you check it out. It's about 20 minutes long, and is a beautiful story. I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

(Thanks to my cousin Naomi for sharing this with me.)

Gradual Progress

The last several months I've been training for a triathlon (which is really fun by the way! If you have any tips or would like to join me let me know). In reading about swimming and running techniques I've been learning about the Principle of Gradual Progress. To steal from "Chi Running" by Danny Dreyer; "The Gradual Progress principle says that everything has to grow incrementally through its own developmental stages, from less to more or from smaller to larger. When a growth process happens gradually, each step forms a stable foundation for the next step."

In training (and in life) I often become frustrated with the lack of significant progress. It seems that I work and work but never get anywhere. Lately though I've noticed that sometimes there is progress, even though it's small. Today while swimming I realized that I could do an aspect of my swimming stroke with less focused concentration on what I was doing than usual. It took hours of drills and practice to get there, but somehow (without realizing it) the motion has become more natural and automatic. Each drill that I did laid the foundation for a smoother swimming stroke. Without realizing it, there was Gradual Progress. When I was focused on "swimming better" I became frustrated. When I focused on doing each drill properly and faithfully completing each lesson (no matter what the result would be) I became a better swimmer. I have a lot more work to do, but there is progress.

Now if only I could transfer this knowledge to the rest of my life! I need to remember that I probably won't see instant results from one positive choice. But it lays the foundation for growth. And ten (or a hundred) positive choices can add up. If I give up no growth will happen.

Homeostasis, my Quest

Homeostasis. My favorite word ever since I first heard it in my Anatomy and Physiology class about 12 years ago. Just writing the word makes me smile! What a beautiful concept, the dynamic state of balance.

My medical dictionary calls it; "The tendency of the body to seek and maintain a condition of balance or equilibrium within its internal environment, even when faced with external changes." Our bodies are amazing homeostatic regulators, keeping our temperature and blood pressure (and hundreds of other things) stable even when faced with many different stressors in the environment. I think anyone who has ever studied Physiology has been amazed by the intricate systems that keep us balanced. Most diseases are caused by some imbalance of these systems.

As amazing as homeostasis is in our physical bodies, I think the concept can go beyond that. Equilibrium, yin and yang, duality. Whatever terms you want to use, there seems to be a universal need for balance in our mental and emotional lives. Trying to live peacefully in the center while being pulled by many extremes. To be stable in the midst of chaos.

To steal from Wikipedia (yes, I do my research on Wikepedia):

"With regards to any given life system parameter, an organism may

be a conformer or a regulator. On one hand, Regulators try to maintain

the parameter at a constant level over possibly wide ambient

environment variations. While on the other hand, conformers allow the

environment to determine the parameter."

Hmmm, conformer or regulator. I seem to remember the Bible saying something about conforming to this world.

What I really love about homeostasis though is that the organism can stay regulated and balanced while interacting with it's environment. It's not a stability based on hiding in a safe place and cutting oneself off from all others. It's much simpler to have a rigid schedule and pretend like it's balance (8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, 8 hours of play each day). I've tried that and don't recommend the practice; it's not a great life. My Quest then, is to learn a little more each day about how to live a balanced life in the midst of community.

Sleeping Beauty

I've always been intrigued by the story of Sleeping Beauty. A child is born and all seems well until she is cursed by a wicked fairy. While the good fairies attempt to lessen the curse, she (and her family) live in fear of the accursed day throughout her growing up. One day it arrives and the whole kingdom descends into the darkness of sleep, to last a hundred years.

Well, I don't think there was a wicked fairy curse in my infancy, but I certainly have lived in fear. I may not be 100 years old yet, but it feels as if I have been in the darkness of sleep for at least that long. Although my life isn't a fairy tale this story helps me hope for better times.

Fortunately, I think the next part of the story is beginning. My awakening from the long sleep wasn't the instant response to the kiss of a handsome prince though, it is a slow waking up to the beauty of the world around me. A world created by the ultimate Prince, the Prince of Peace.

It's not easy to throw off the years of fear, and I often feel the arms of sleep reaching up to pull me back into the darkness. As much as I hate the darkness I also feel comfortable there. The light is unfamiliar and unknown. It's a frightening thing to wake up a heart.

I plan to attend church in the morning. This may not sound like a big deal, but I haven't gone in over a year and I'm terrified. It's time though. I need to become reacquainted with the Prince of Peace. While a church service certainly isn't the only way to do so (and often isn't even the best way), both attending church tomorrow and starting this blog are steps toward being awake.

Thanks for reading my journal today, and I hope that we both wake up in the light tomorrow.