Alone.

Have you ever been so lonely it ached? Have you ever wanted to feel loved and to belong so much that you thought you might die if you weren't? I often feel that way, today is one of those days. I hesitate to even write this because it is such a strong feeling. The loneliness doesn't come from lack of loving people around me. I have been blessed with amazing family and friends who accept and welcome me with open arms. Somehow I still rarely feel that I belong in that community, that I even deserve to be in their presence.

Today some dear friends invited me into their home for their family Easter celebration. They invited me whole-heartedly and welcomed me as if I was family (big bear hugs and all). Their extended family welcomed me as well. Still a voice whispered to me that I didn't belong. That I could never fit in. That I am only a burden. That my only fate is to be alone. Sometimes the loneliest times are when other people are around and that voice whispers.

Ironic that this feeling is so strong today, as it is also the day we celebrate Easter. "Because Christ died, God has brought you back to himself." (Colossians 1:22, NIRV).

"You are the body of Christ. Each one of you is a part of it." (I Corinthians 12:27).

"Brothers and sisters, you are loved by God. We know that he has chosen you." (I Thessalonians 1: 4).

I have heard these things my whole life, and believe them in my head. I believe them for other people too, but my heart can't accept that I am included in the promises. Dare I hope for anything different?

(Apologies if this is too much, but I promised to be honest here. Today, posting this, I am being brave in my own little way.)